Cherry St. Storage

From the blog 'Alphonsus's Written Word' - read the poem by clicking the picture

It seems self-serving to vent in public.  And it gets a little tiresome, I know.  But I’ll vent anyway, because someone out there may read this and agree, and feel grateful they are not alone, like I feel I am right now.

I am afraid…afraid of so many things.  Afraid of facing work.  Afraid of facing people.   Afraid of taking action.  Afraid of failure (and maybe success).  Afraid of people that aren’t afraid.  Afraid of the pace.  Afraid of the noise.  Afraid of rejection.  So afraid…

And I mad.  Mad at the human race.  Mad we have a ruling class.  Mad at the race we are conditioned to run. Mad at the glorification of wealth.  Mad at the loss of patience. Mad at the loss of common sense.  Mad at the loss of charity.  Mad at greed.  Mad at corporate myopia.  Mad at social myopia.  Mad at those that think it’s all so exciting.   So mad…

And I’m feeling hopeless.  I feel like an alien that does not speak the language, or understand the customs.  I stand back and stare and all I see is a giant aluminum mountain that I will never be able to scale.  I watch the world whizz by and all I catch are flashes of images.  I don’t live here anymore – I’ve been shut out.  It’s someone else’s club, and I’m not going to be a member.  Ever.

So…this is the 21st century.  I remember dreaming about whether I’d live this long to see it for myself – it all seemed so far-fetched back then in the 70s.  How could I know that people are idiots here?  Life is about consumption here?  That sanity lies only in rare pockets you search for?  That mainstream is a polluted river of bilge?

What I’d really like?  I’d like the stock markets to really crash hard, and take all those that got rich by making money on money down to the bottom.  I’d like the poor to crush all the top-tier executives – maybe that would shake greed out of our genes.  I’d like a really fucking impressive natural disaster to weed out all those self-centered, possession-hungry “I’m the majority” voters – they can’t be smart enough to deal with it.  Really, what I wish for, is someone to make the entire f-ing planet stop in its tracks and teach it peace and serenity and sanity.  I’m secretly hoping the Mayans have it right and we’re done for soon.

All I can say right now is I want out.  I like the planet a lot, but I’m done with this weed called ‘human’.  It’s choking out all the good things that live here, and I’m sick of its smell.  It’s not lost on me that I’ve just condemned myself in that thought, since I am part of that species.  All the same…I want out.

Fear + Anger + Hopelessness.  Not the equation that any Oprah-wannabe would think we’ve written, but that’s what I see.  And, honestly, it don’t add up to much.

Mahalo.

photo credit: abcdz2000

I am not a religious person.  That is to say, I don’t attend a church, or count myself among the followers of any particular  religion.  I wouldn’t say that I don’t have a faith, because I do believe in something that is greater than the sum of the parts – call it higher conciousness, cosmic ether, magic – whatever.  And I have to admit that I have taken to heart lessons learned from many religions, West and East.

I was inspired to write this idea down this because of a segment on “CBS Sunday Morning” about forgiveness, drawn from the message of Jesus on the cross and the fact that it was Easter Sunday.  The segment asked a panel of experts from various religions how the theme was played out in their worlds.  It made me stop to think (again) about all those religions and what they were saying.

So here’s the thing – is it really heresy to say that all religions are essentially different permutations of the same idea?  I’m sure the answer from many would be, ‘Uh, yea!”.  The last time I floated that idea, the person I said it to was so engulfed in rage, I left a dinner party early.

But I look at what religions teach (no scholar here, but I read..), and the seminal figures from some of the bigger groups – Buddha, Mohammed and Jesus come to mind: in their own way and language, they all teach about love, forgiveness, tolerance, and self-worth.  They may travel different routes to get there, but the destination is (to me, that is) always the same.  I am amazed by the Christian Bible alone – regardless of who you consider to be its author, it is an amazingly powerful document, so adaptable to the moment, so dynamic in its meaning (and so easily dismissed as dogma).

I have to wonder, then…what if humans put aside their bigotry and brought their faiths together?  What would happen if the Buddhists were informed by the Christians, the Muslims by the Jewish faith, the Hindus by the Buddhists, and so on?  It’s not to say that each put aside their beliefs…I just wonder how each would grow if they looked at each other with faith and humility and accept what could be a grand cross-pollination.  What would happen to religious zealotry if each group looked at the other and said, ‘oh yea – we all want the same thing’.  I doubt it could ever happen, since it seems like religions tend to slide into matters of personal opinion once they’ve been handled enough by humans.  But what if…?

Maybe that’s my faith – how ever it is packaged, whatever you want to call it, there is more to life than the sum of its parts.  I can’t see it, or measure it, but I know its there around me.

And in my weakest moments, it is my strength.

Mahalo.

photo credit: bionicteaching

This week, it’s been hovering around -20C in my city.  Not a great week to be walking outside.  So, it was with distinct pain that I discovered Friday night, steps from my home, after a long week at work, that I had lost my house keys.  They were attached to a carabiner that attached to a belt loop on my pants – well, they were until somewhere along the way home – my face blanched when I reached for them and felt only the cheap metal of the carabiner alone hanging there.

So, freezing already, and an hour late for dinner, I started back – retracing my steps from the front door through the dark snowy night, keeping my eyes peeled – back to the streetcar stop (is that it?!  nope…just a gum wrapper..damn).  I realized when I’d found nothing, I would have to keep going – I wouldn’t be able to face the weekend knowing I hadn’t looked everywhere.  I kept going – my legs started to cramp from the relentless cold wind blowing, and my eyes were watering while I kept scanning the sidewalks.  Back to the subway (25 mins), back through the back alley, past Starbucks, back up to my workplace (2o mins), back to my desk at work – always with quick gulps of anticipation when I spotted something in the slush and gloom, always followed by the deepening crush of misery as it turned out to be a gum wrapper, a cigarette remnant, a beer bottle (what was that doing there) – in short,   nothing.

On the way home, misery became anguish – what was I going to do?  My bike lock key was on that ring, and now my bike would be forever prisoner in the downstairs bike room.  What if I’d gone right past it, rushing because I was cold – maybe I should go back one more time?  What if someone had turned them into a security desk (store front, apartment concierge, hotel bus boy) – I’ d never find them then.  Why was this happening to me on  Friday night, at the start of my weekend?  Why was this happening to me at all?  I sat stewing on the subway back downtown, tired now, and anguish was now turning slowly into tears.  I fought it back with a paranoia that feelings would beget truth – I had to remain hopeful – and I plead a silent plea to the unknown to help me somehow.

Up from the subway back into the cold, I started tracing again – less hopeful, but still determined.  And, suddenly, out of the dark – there they were!  Someone had spotted my keys on the sidewalk and had carefully place them on a window ledge of a drug store.  It was a thin ledge, barely room enough to hold them, and at one of the busiest corners in the city.  I couldn’t believe I’d looked down at the right time in the right place, and now I was holding my hope in my hand.  I was so shocked, so relieved, and so amazed, that I had to look at them more than a few times to believe it.  I wanted to laugh, and cry, and run, and yell my relief!

I had lost my keys – and I had found hope.  Hope that there were people out there that did good things still.  Someone I didn’t know took a second to place my keys somewhere where I’d find them again.  Someone who knew that if they turned them in I wouldn’t find them.  Someone who realized that placing them somewhere close to the ground but out of harm’s way would make the chance of me finding them that much better.  Someone who chose to help, rather than ignore the opportunity, or worse, kick them into the gutter.

So, to that someone out there that found my keys and helped me find them, I say ‘thank you’ from the bottom of my heart.  Whoever you are, I hope you are as blessed as you made me feel with your small act.  And perhaps, if we are all connected in the cosmic ether, I will be able to return the favour someday, some how.  Until then, this is my tribute to you.   Thank you.